These past few months have been pregnant with reflection. Reflection of the sins my life was saturated in, reflection of the life I used to live, reflection of the death I was headed toward.

At Christmas I remember sitting on my couch with my gingerbread coffee and apple filled philo purse, watching Mike and Boaz wrestle together and thinking “how did I get here?” How can I be worthy of the love being poured out upon me? How can someone who has done so much evil be given so much joy.

 Grace.

 It is all grace.

This year has been amazing. I have learned so much, repented so often and been redeemed over and over again.

Previous years left a bitter taste in my mouth upon reflection; I had no joy on New Years day because I had no hope in the new year God had given me. This year it is as if God breathed new life into me and I can clearly see the Cross.

In my walk with Christ there are a few events that catastrophically changed my life.

• The first time I read my Bible. September 29th 2003 I came to the Lord with open arms and a wicked heart. Having realized the depth of my depravity I cried out to God broken and battered ready for salvation.
• Attending Mars Hill for the first time. Though I did not know it, the five o’clock service at Mars Hill would change everything. While the honesty and force that Pastor Lief preached captivated me, it was the song ‘Amazing Grace’ which Team Strike Force played that sealed the deal. Never before had I heard that song sung with such power and compassion and never since I have heard it.
• My home burning down.Many of you do not know the horrible details of my courtship to Mike; but let me be brief, it was ugly. On Sept 22nd 2004 my family’s apartment was burned down by arson. Thankfully we did not lose much but it did compel Mike and I into a shot-gun wedding one week later. Though I did not realize it at the time, it was on the anniversary of my conversion that we wed. September 29th 2004. Looking back I can clearly see God’s hand over the situation and praise Him for His great providence.
• Attending a Grace Group in the winter of 2006. Through this group God changed my entire being. I went from a socially anxious, depressed, compulsive bulimic to someone that had a little hope. The women I met through the group changed my life. I was given examples of what a Godly wife and mother looked like and I yearned to be like those women.
• Miscarrying our two babies.I miscarried one child at the end of my Grace Group and it was out of God’s good hand that I did. I did not have to walk that road alone but instead had many women reach out to me and hold me close to them in comfort. They allowed me to cry out to God and ask “why” without shame or being ostracised. I was allowed to be Mara and they came to me with Christ’ love. Looking back, I realize that being allowed to come with my mourning to the foot of the Cross only strengthened my relationship with Jesus though at the time I felt miles away from Him.
• Becoming a mom.A month before Boaz was born I read “Feminine Appeal”by Carolyn Mahaney and wept over my sins that book clearly and emphatically brought into the light. I was a lazy, selfish, bitter woman and wife and that book acted like an arrow into my heart. I immediately desired change. After Boaz arrived I did not let laziness overcome me but instead started cooking, cleaning and caring for my family. I felt fulfilled in ways I never had before and was astounded at the ease of my transition.
• Attending Healing Hearts in the fall of 2007. This Bible study was truly amazing. I went to the group desiring to be freed from the sin that haunted me and while that indeed happened, I found that the study allowed me to firmly gasp the depth of the Cross and the Person of Jesus. Realizing my Ultimate Sin helped me let go of the sin I thought unworthy to be forgiven of.  I have finally found rest in the bosom of Jesus and my anxious heart has been quieted.

I come into 2008 with joy and peace. I come into 2008 as the New Creation in Christ. I come into 2008 with a repentant heart and the desire to be broken over and over again if that means that I should be closer to my God.