It is 6a. Why am I posting at 6a? Because I have been up all night (minus from 1:30a-3a where things got a bit fuzzy) and it happened.

Gideon slept in his crib. All night.

It was not intentional (it never is). I laid him down in it at 11:30p after an hour and a half of not being able to soothe him to sleep. Our bed was not optimal for sleeping last night. It is a billion degrees in the house, all of Team Nelson is sick and Gideon couldn’t breathe while he nursed which led to him latching and unlatching 234239487 times in a single nursing session.

I wanted to regroup and prepare for battle so I laid him down while I pseudo relaxed (e-mails are my friend). He became fussy after 10 minutes, which I anticipated, so I expressed some milk and gave him a bottle so I could heal from the last nursing session. He fell asleep and I laid him in the crib, totally expecting him to wake up angrier than ever after a half hour or so.

The half hour came and went… I checked in on him, still asleep.

That’s when it happened. Panic set it. I wasn’t ready! Not tonight! I wanted a few more days or weeks of co-sleeping. It just happened so quickly. There was no way I could sleep now.

I started worrying about everything that could go wrong. Is he hungry? What if I don’t hear him get up? Is the monitor on loud enough? Is he too hot? Maybe it will get cold in the morning, he’ll be freezing! I better turn on the heat just in case (it’s a billion degrees). He’ll need changed. I should have put him in a new diaper. What if stops breathing and I’m not there to rouse him!

I think I passed out around 1:30 then woke right back up. Around 3:30 I went into the living room to watch tv, hoping that a zombie Kim could relax and try to sleep for the 3 hours I had left.

No go. I woke Gideon up (a la Marge Simpson, you know, the episode where she wakes Maggie up just so she can comfort her, yea, I did that) and changed him, put a onsie on him, checked the temperature of his room, checked his temperature, nursed him, rocked him and gave him back to the crib.

I feel like such a novice. Unprepared, nervous and anxious at anything new. I talked to my mama about this last week. Sometimes I am very hard on myself thinking that I should know better, do more, be more prepared because I have two babies. I just experienced many of these same trials and transitions so shouldn’t it come more natural? Shouldn’t I be better at this? Will each and every new Nelson baby make me a nervous wreck?

These changes make me realize how desperately I need the Lord and how without Him, I am a pile of anxiety waiting to explode onto whomever finds themselves unlucky enough to be around me at the time. We have a good God that yearns for us to give our burdens to Him and to allow Him to carry our yoke.

This is a constant theme in my life right now. I am so willing to take on the world only to find myself completely inept and the sooner I realize that, the sooner it is that the Lord will free me from my anxiousness and allow me rest.